


Happy Things

by wth_am_i_writing



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Cheating, Leo is a bastard in this, M/M, Sexual Situations, impending character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-27 06:55:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17157332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wth_am_i_writing/pseuds/wth_am_i_writing
Summary: They craved the happy things in life, wanted to push the hard and sad things away. Unfortunately, their happy places were different.





	Happy Things

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr on September 26, 2014.
> 
> Original Author’s Note: So I’ve been working on this for maybe two weeks? I’m not going to lie, the requests inspired this but it doesn’t really fit what people requested. xD; The request about dying from cancer and Love Doctor Ken were the two cruxes that inspired this piece. It’s really heavy, don’t let the title fool you. Personally, I find the plot really cliched but it was filling my thoughts too much for me to not write it. I really didn’t do as much research as I could have for this fic, but whatever. I basically wrote it to get it off my mind. So uh, enjoy?

“I only have three months to live.”

The words came at a time when Leo was seriously thinking of breaking up with N. He was getting tired of their relationship, felt more miserable putting up with it than he should have been. N’s habits and mannerisms were starting to wear on Leo. At first he’d thought he could ignore them and even learn to live with them, but they were starting to drive him up the wall. His constant talking, his overly clingy nature, the bossy way he’d order Leo about, it was all driving him crazy. It was a year and a half long relationship that Leo was ready to end.

But then N announced that he was dying one night.

His face was completely serious, void of any emotion; his eyes were bloodshot as if he’d been crying for hours. He didn’t want to talk about the specifics, just stated that it was viciously malignant cancer and that it’d spread to his lymphatic system and beyond before it was caught, that he understood if Leo didn’t want to stay by his side. It had been the excuse Leo had been looking for to end it all, yet something stopped him from breaking up with N. Maybe it had been the pathetic look on N’s face. Maybe it was the fact that he knew N didn’t have the support of his family anymore after coming out. Or maybe it was because he knew that N was only a superficial social butterfly and wasn’t as close with as many people as he seemed to be.

The first week, N seemed to be in denial. His smiles and energetic behavior made Leo wonder if N had been lying. They didn’t live together, but N had always visited his place several nights a week and texted Leo dozens of times a night when he couldn’t. Over the last couple of months, N had bags under his eyes more often than not, and his eyes tended to be bloodshot, yet the enthusiasm he clinged to Leo’s side with as they watched TV, cooked, and went out together made Leo overlook it. It wasn’t until sometime during the second week after N had announced his terminal illness that it became obvious that N wasn’t faking. He’d caught N coughing up blood in the bathroom. N brushed the encounter off.

Said, “I don’t want to talk about the sad things.”

Said, “I don’t want our last weeks together to be filled with nothing but sad memories.”

Said, “I want to make it as happy and eventful as I can.”

It was that very attitude that was driving Leo up the wall.

The constant contact was more oppressive than it had ever been. Their sex life, arguably the only thing that had retained his attention towards N over the last several months, had almost completely dissolved. Twice as affectionate as ever, it was like N tried to make up for bedroom activities with innocent kisses and constant body contact. The one time Leo had pushed things to the bedroom, N strained to keep up–couldn’t even _get it up_. It ended in N coughing up more blood and insisting that he’d enjoyed it more than it looked like he had.

When Leo took a closer look at what had been going on in their relationship in recent months, it became obvious that N’s health had been declining–and that it’d been increasingly hard to get him in bed. Despite that, Leo continued to dote on him out of some sense of guilt towards his imminent mortality, but internally he was going insane–wondered why he hadn’t taken the chance to end it when he had it.

After two full weeks of it, Leo hit his breaking point. After the sixteenth text from N on his way back from work, Leo shut his phone off and got off the train four stops early. He transferred lines and went to the gay bar he’d met N at. He hadn’t been there since he and N decided to see each other exclusively, but he wished he’d come back sooner. He sat at the bar next to a good looking guy with a lopsided smile and downed shots until he was sure he wouldn’t remember the night. He woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and an aching ass. The man he’d sat next to at the bar was laying next to him, eyes fluttering open.

-.-.-.-.-

“The way you were drinking last night, you probably don’t remember my name. I’m Ken.” They had breakfast together at a coffee shop close to the hotel they’d stayed the night in. Leo didn’t know what had possessed him to eat with the man he’d just cheated with, but then he wondered if it was even considered cheating at this point. His boyfriend was dying and he was only tied to him out of some twisted sense of guilt and responsibility.

“You’re dating someone, right?” Ken asked lifting his coffee to his lips. Leo nodded as Ken sipped. “Honestly, from the rant you went on last night, I’m surprised you haven’t broken up yet.”

“Rant?” Leo questioned.

“You listed off everything you hated about him,” Ken grinned mischievously. “If you aren’t happy, you should break up.” It made sense, though Leo didn’t know if he could bring himself to actually do it when there was a definite end in sight. Ken diverted their conversation after that, diverting Leo’s thoughts from N to happier things, to things that had nothing to do with relationships or death.

“When you break up with your boyfriend, give me a call, ok?” Ken directed as they exited the cafe, holding out a business card. Leo took it with a nod, sure that he could enjoy Ken’s company again. They said their goodbyes, and as Leo headed towards the train station, he looked over the business card. Ken Lee, Love Doctor. A ridiculous profession, but it suited him.

Leo didn’t bother turning his phone back on until he was home. 43 texts from N. He didn’t bother reading them all, and instead scrolled to the most recent one.

_1:48 A.M. “I want to see you”_

Leo sighed and mulled over how to respond. He thought of breaking up then and there over text, but decided that was too cruel. In the end, he settled for a “I want to see you too” even though he really didn’t.

He didn’t hear from N for two days.

-.-.-.-.-

The next time Leo saw N, it grounded everything in reality. He looked frail and weak; his skin was unusually pale and slightly discolored. He’d gone to the hospital and they’d taken his phone away. He refused treatment, so they waited until he had stabilized and released him after two days. N had taken an obvious turn for the worse, but he still put a smile on when Leo showed up at his door. He brought Leo in and they ate dinner together on the couch while watching a movie. N’s place was a mess; his things were scattered everywhere in piles, leaving only small patches and trails to walk through the apartment.

“I love you.” N spoke the words seriously, head propped on Leo’s shoulder, their hands intertwined. Leo didn’t say anything, just squeezed N’s hand tighter. N resisted a coughing fit, squeezing Leo’s hand back with all his strength. It was moments like this that Leo was happy that N had never demanded verbal affirmations of his feelings. More than ever, he felt like he couldn’t say those words. It was the one thing he wouldn’t be able to lie to N about as he died. When he got home that night, he texted Ken and invited him out to drink the next day.

-.-.-.-.-

The night with Ken had been worry free and relaxing. Booze and sex and karaoke. Leo let Ken do most of the talking, only said a few words here and there, but the conversation was more relaxed than any of the ones he’d had recently. Ken had a certain charm about him that Leo had a hard time placing. He knew how to appreciate silence–quite different from N in the fact that he was only talkative when an appropriate subject came to mind. Ken was less overbearing than N, and even though he tried to get Leo out of his quiet shell, it was through bad jokes and cute behavior rather than a hundred questions. It was refreshing. For the night he could forget everything and think of happier things. For the night he could pretend that he was already free again.

-.-.-.-.-

_2:36 P.M. “I told my parents.”_

_2:36 P.M. “They didn’t pick up so I left a message.”_

_2:37 P.M. “I think they’ll just erase it though.”_

_2:38 P.M. “I’m scared.”_

_2:39 P.M. “I really want to see you right now, but I know you’re at work.”_

_5:26 P.M. “I love you. I don’t think I tell you that enough.”_

_5:26 P.M. “I hope your day hasn’t been sucky.”_

_6:59 P.M. “My sister called. She said she’ll help if I need anything, but my parents still don’t want anything to do with me.”_

_7:02 P.M. “I don’t know what I expected.”_

Leo slumped down in his seat on the train with a sigh. He knew things were hard on N, even if N tried desperately not to show it. He wanted out of their relationship more with each passing day, had met up with Ken two nights ago and was on his way to meet him again. He was bad at dealing with the things N was going through with his family, and frankly, he didn’t have the energy to help him at the moment. He sighed again, knowing that he couldn’t just leave N hanging. He sent off a quick, “It’s good your sister contacted you.” N’s reply was almost instant.

_8:13 P.M. “I should count my blessings, I guess.”_

_8:13 P.M. “How was work? Have you eaten yet?”_

Leo sighed again. N was back to avoiding the painful things. “Just got my ramen,” he lied.

_8:14 P.M. “Ah! Ramen! I’m jealous!”_

Just under two months left. Just two more months.

-.-.-.-.-

Half a bottle of soju after meeting up with Ken, they’d decided to move things to a hotel. The fucking was sloppy, but Ken was good with his hips and seemed to love Leo’s sadistic streak. They went two rounds, and Leo was pleasantly sore by the end of it. Ken was never clingy afterwards, but he was somewhat philosophical. He’d roll off to one side of the bed and stare up at the ceiling and would talk if something interesting came to his mind. Leo was never sure what would come out next, but the topics Ken brought up–music, scientific discovery, sports–always held his attention, and there were often peaceful lulls in the conversation.

Leo liked going to bed with Ken. He felt like he could be himself more than he had over the last few months. He found himself opening up more than he had over the last few times he’d met up with Ken. Ken laughed and teased him about speaking more than two consecutive sentences, but he didn’t mind.

“Sometimes I like to talk too,” he fired back with a small smirk and a chop to Ken’s neck. It was arguably something he didn’t do much with N for a variety of reasons, but he pushed that frame of thought from his mind. He’d turned his phone off for a reason. He wasn’t happy with N. Happy was in the languid post-coital conversations with Ken.

-.-.-.-.-

_4:18 P.M. “My sister insisted on moving in.”_

_4:18 P.M. “I feel so lame.”_

_4:18 P.M. “She’s coming tonight.”_

_4:18 P.M. “You should come meet her! have dinner with us!”_

It was with that invitation that Leo found himself at N’s apartment, four days after he’d last seen N. His sister was average height with average looks. The family resemblance between them was strong, though it was quite obvious that she was a few years older than N. She bustled around the kitchen to prepare a meal for everyone even though it was almost 9 P.M.

“My sister’s cooking is really good,” N boasted with a smile, watching her from the kitchen table. He’d captured Leo’s hand and squeezed it.

“It’s not really anything special,” she corrected N modestly. She brought over their plates first before going back for her own.

“It tastes like Mom’s,” N insisted, releasing Leo’s hand to dig into the chicken she’d made. Leo followed suit, eyes darting back and forth between the siblings.

“That’s hardly a compliment,” she scoffed, sitting down. N laughed in response, reaching across the table again to put his hand on Leo’s forearm.

“You should learn some recipes from Leo while you’re here. He’s a meat connoisseur,” N suggested, causing Leo’s stomach to churn. He didn’t want to give away any of his recipes, much less teach her.

“Are you saying I can’t cook meat?” she asked reaching across the table and bopping N’s shoulder. N laughed nervously, withdrawing his hand from Leo’s arm and going back to eating. The tension between N and his sister was high, but she seemed to be trying her best to break it. She turned her efforts towards Leo, starting the long flow of typical questions. _When did you meet? Where? How long have you been together?_ The annoying tendency to pry must have run in the family.

Leo stayed for a while after dinner, letting N recount some of the adventures they’d been on to his sister. A trip to the beach, various shopping trips and restaurant dates, weird train incidents. The tales brought up mixed feelings, but mostly reminded him of the little things that N did that snowballed into why he wanted to break up. He decided to leave before his patient even started to wear thin and used early work the next day for an excuse. N walked Leo to the door, tugging Leo into a hug and chaste kiss.

“Thanks for coming tonight,” he murmured when he pulled back, a smile on his lips. “Too bad I couldn’t introduce you to my whole family.” It was probably a good thing he hadn’t been able to. “But my sister really likes you, I could tell.” That fact seemed to bring N a great deal of comfort but it only made Leo feel worse for the deception, for not breaking it off earlier.

“That’s good…” Leo mumbled in reply, only for the sake of not being awkward.

“I love you,” N breathed, closing his eyes and leaning in to press his forehead against Leo’s. Leo pulled N back in for another quick kiss to hide his inability to reciprocate the words. The action seemed to satisfy N, who smiled when he pulled back. “Be careful on your way back.” Leo hummed as he pulled away and reached for the door. Another night down.

-.-.-.-.-

“Do you ever wonder about who would survive a zombie apocalypse?” Ken asked, swirling the ice in his drink around. Leo cocked an eyebrow at Ken.

“Not really,” he answered, sitting up straighter in the booth. Leo had opted for beer that night, not planning to drink terribly much because of work the next day. On the other hand, Ken had gone straight for the hard stuff and was potentially more drunk than Leo for once.

“I watched a foreign zombie film the other day and it made me wonder. Whenever I get frustrated I just start imagining a zombie attack,” Ken rambled on. Ken’s conversation topics were usually this random, which, oddly enough, was something Leo found attractive. The unpredictability kept Leo interested and almost guaranteed that he wouldn’t drift off into thinking about work or N.

“That guy, over there,” Ken said nodding at a man across the room, “for instance, he’d go down quick. I bet he’d be one of the first to die.” Ken took another sip from his drink and turned his full attention back to Leo. “I’d probably die pretty quick too, you know. I’d probably get careless and they’d sneak up on me. But you… You’d probably be one of the last humans alive. I can see you smashing zombie heads left and right.” Ken grinned wide as the words tumbled from his lips and he began act out what he was saying. The image was vivid in Leo’s mind, causing him to smile.

“You’re crazy,” Leo laughed, shaking his head before lifting his bottle to his lips.

“I thought we established that a long time ago,” Ken laughed. He sat back in the booth, his cheerful expression melting away with a sigh and falling into silence. He looked out over the bar as he took another sip of his drink. His eyes widened slightly as he noticed something and he sat forward, practically slamming his drink onto the table.

“That’s right,” Ken said, leaning in and meeting Leo’s gaze. “I meant to ask you last time we met, but it slipped my mind.” Leo leaned in slightly, raising his brows to show his interest. “Do you like cats?” Leo nodded. “Can you have pets at your apartment?” Leo shook his head. “Damn,” Ken cursed, lifting his drink to his lips and draining the glass.

“Why do you ask?”

“I ran into a stray and her kittens near my apartment last week and ended up taking them home because If I left them, the crabby old lady that lives on the first floor was gonna call animal control,” Ken explained. “Fuck if I was gonna let them go to the over crowded shelter, but now I have five cats. Maybe I can hawk some of the kittens off on my clients. Tell ‘em that a pet will help their relationship or some bullcrap.”

“I can’t take one, but I’d love to see them,” Leo interrupted. If only he _could_ keep pets, he’d take two or three of the kittens. He’d always had a thing for cats–they were affectionate but independant. Ken leaned across the table, a terribly perverted lilt to his smirk.

“I like that idea. And then we can fuck on my bed,” Ken approved. Leo nodded in agreement, the idea of moving from the bar _more_ than appealing.

-.-.-.-.-

“We should go on a date! A date!” N exclaimed, reaching out across the dinner table and patting in front of Leo’s plate to get his attention away from his food. “Tomorrow, let’s go to karaoke. It’s boring just sitting around the house all day.” Leo blinked up at him, a bit of trepidation filling his stomach. He’d already made plans to spend the night with Ken and the kittens.

“Pointless,” Leo blurted after a moment, mind pulling together an excuse. “You’re not healthy enough to sing.”  N’s expression fell for a split second before his smile was back.

“Doesn’t matter. I just want to hear you sing,” N pressed. Leo blinked.

“I can sing for you anytime,” Leo countered after a second.

“Then sing for me now?” The request was soft, hopeful.

“Too busy eating,” Leo excused, shoveling another fork full of food into his mouth. N laughed nervously before sitting back in his chair. He dropped his eyes to his plate as he picked up his fork and started shifting his food around on the plate. The plate’s contents were different from Leo’s–soft foods that were easy to digest. Leo didn’t think N had taken a bite at all since they’d sat down to eat.

“If karaoke’s out, how about we go try that new Indian restaurant in town we were meaning to go to?” N proposed, obviously not deterred by Leo’s behavior. Leo swallowed his food.

“Will you be able to eat?” Leo asked, looking up at N seriously. N smiled sheepishly as he continued to stare at his plate.

“I’ll find something.” Leo sighed. If it was just dinner, he supposed he could delay his outing with Ken and still manage to have a good night out.

“What time do you want to meet?” N looked up at Leo with a bright smile.

“You get off work at 7:30, right? I’ll meet you at the station,” N blurted out, visibly excited.

That night, as they laid on the couch watching a movie at N’s insistence, N kicked up the physical affection to high. Leo resisted the urge to shove him away the best he could. N’s touches turned sexual, an avenue Leo thought they wouldn’t be able to go down anymore. When Leo gently pressed him away, N looked up at him with a bitter smile, breath short and eyes clearly tired.

“I want to make you feel good,” N murmured in explanation. Leo leaned back into the couch with a sigh, letting N continue as he pleased. A simple hand job, N’s head nuzzled into Leo’s shoulder. After a while, Leo attempted to return the action, but N quickly pushed his hands away and crawled into his lap. Leo settled for exploring N’s body with his hands and pressing his lips to his neck, feeling awkward that he was the only one getting such intimate attention. N felt small in his arms, his spine and ribs more defined through his shirt than Leo remembered they’d been a few weeks prior, but he was still sensitive and easily worked up by Leo’s touch.

“I love you,” N murmured over and over again into Leo’s shoulder with shuddering breaths after Leo came. Leo wasn’t quite sure whether the tremble in N’s voice was from how breathy he was from the activity or from fighting back tears. Regardless, the words only made Leo feel guiltier and more uncomfortable. He saw N’s need to make sure he knew N loved him, but he couldn’t return the sentiment, couldn’t bring himself to flat out lie. It made him feel worse for not leaving when he was given the chance, but also made his stomach twist knowing that he was one of few supports that N had. He didn’t want this relationship anymore, but couldn’t bring himself to leave.

N fell into a minutes long coughing fit that Leo rubbed his back through, and when N settled down, he refused to look Leo in the eye and buried his face back in Leo’s broad shoulders. The silence was nice, and though his legs were starting to fall asleep from N’s weight, Leo resisted peeling N off and setting him down beside him, noting how his breathing evened out.

“Love you,” N mumbled one last time before drifting off to sleep. Leo waited a few minutes before carrying N to his bedroom, where his sister had gone to give them some privacy, and turning him back over to her care.

-.-.-.-.-

_7:06 P.M. “This is N’s sister. He hasn’t been doing so well today. He hasn’t wanted to get out of bed all day.”_

_7:07 P.M. “I thought maybe he’d have more energy by now, but just getting up and going to the living room seemed like too much today.”_

_7:07 P.M. “Sorry to tell you by text and so late in the day, but I don’t think I can get him out the door.”_

Leo sighed in relief when he read the messages. He’d been worrying about taking N out. Beyond not wanting to meet up, he’d feared keeping after N on the busy streets and in the crowded restaurant. Leo shot a quick message back, “It’s ok. Maybe another day,” and hoped that would be the end of it.

_7:48 P.M. “Do you think you could bring dinner over? He’s been moping for the last hour at not being able to go out.”_

He took a deep breath and released it slowly. Going to N’s place meant that it wouldn’t be so easy to get away to see Ken. But at the same time, he couldn’t completely cancel on N at this point. He replied with “I’ll get something from the curry shop on the way.”

_7:52 P.M. “Great! Thank you so much!”_

Leo picked up curry from the curry restaurant next to the station closest to N’s apartment and handed it over to his sister when she let him in. She directed him to the living room where Leo could just make out the top of N’s head over the back of the couch. Wrapped tight in a blanket, N stared blankly at the evening drama on the TV, obviously not having noticed Leo’s presence. All the energy he’d had yesterday seemed gone from his body and his eyes had fairly dark circles under them.

“N?” Leo prompted, gently touching N’s shoulder as he rounded the couch. N jumped slightly, eyes snapping up to Leo. It took him a couple of seconds to register but when he did, a bright smile spread across his lips. He reached up and took Leo’s hand, his blanket sliding off his shoulder as he did.

“I thought we were rescheduling?” N asked, voice small and raspy. Leo cocked an eyebrow, not remembering any text about rescheduling.

“I brought curry,” Leo answered, moving to sit next to N. N suppressed a cough, refusing to let go of Leo’s hand as he moved.

“Sorry for inconveniencing you. You didn’t have to,” N managed before suppressing another cough. “I’ll pay for next time.”

“There was no guarantee that you’d be feeling better in a couple days, so I just asked him to bring dinner,” N’s sister interrupted, setting a tray on the coffee table. N wrinkled his nose.

“Don’t talk like that,” N scolded, wrinkling his nose. She handed him a bowl of curry and a spoon, which he took and lowered down to his lap.

“I’m just being realistic. The nurse said your lungs sounded worse when she came by this afternoon, and I doubt that’ll get better,” she fussed back at him. Leo reached for the plate with rice and curry on the table but paused as he computed her words.

“I’m not going to let it stop me–” N pouted, words cut short as another cough racked his body. His brows knit in frustration as he relaxed back into the couch, cradling his bowl of curry. His sister only shook her head before excusing herself to go eat in the kitchen. Leo took that as his queue to take his curry and brought it to his lap. Before Leo could pick up his spoon, N placed a hand on his arm and met his gaze.

“Thank you.” The words were firm despite how raspy N’s voice was. His eyes were shining, relief and happiness clearly in the depths. “Thank you so much for coming. You don’t know how happy I am right now.” Leo forced himself not to swallow, N’s words and eyes filling his gut with guilt. Leo had become N’s happy place, but N was far from his. He didn’t want N’s hand on him, he didn’t want the relationship, he didn’t want to be there at all.

-.-.-.-.-

“You’re a love doctor, right?” Leo asked out of the blue, turning to look at Ken with a raised eyebrow.

“What’s with the sudden interest in my job?” Ken asked right back, puzzled. Leo looked back up at Ken’s ceiling, thoughts of his visit to N’s home earlier that night filling his mind. He wanted to push them away and focus on other things, but he’d just been left too ruffled. “You don’t need my advice do you?” Ken prodded when Leo failed to provide an answer, his voice slightly amused. Leo looked back over at him with slightly narrowed eyes.

“You’re not going to ask me to help you to confess to someone you like, are you?” Ken continued prodding, his amused smirk growing. “If so, I’d just prefer you spill your guts now and spare us both the cheese and confess to me now.” Leo growled at his cockiness and rolled over on top of Ken, pinning him to the bed. “Oooh? Skipping the cheese and going straight to aggression, there are better ways to confess to people, you know,” Ken mock scolded, barely containing his laughter.

“Shut up,” Leo growled before dipping down and locking their lips in a kiss. That hadn’t been what he’d been getting at at all, but it proved distracting enough to get N off his mind again. Ken laughed into the kiss before bringing his arms up around Leo and squeezing him tight against his body, submitting into the kiss.

“Mmm, so what’s _your_ profession?” Ken hummed when the kiss finally broke.

“Vocal trainer,” Leo answered simply. Ken’s smile returned full force.

“That’d explain why your voice is so good,” Ken poked, voice dropping low and dripping with something dirty-minded.

“Shut up,” Leo ordered again, dipping back down for another kiss. He let things escalate, getting lost in the moment, in Ken’s body and encouraging moans. By the time they’d finished their second round, Ken was littered in bite marks and it was almost time for Leo to go home. Leo rolled off to catch his breath, Ken’s teasing from earlier bubbling at the front of his mind.

“Do you really like me?” Leo asked tentatively. Ken shifted beside him and sat up.

“Me?” Ken looked down at Leo, expression on the more serious end. “I don’t like you in that way so much as I lust for your body and enjoy your presence,” he answered honestly. Leo blinked up at him, mulling over Ken’s words and how they didn’t sting at all. “And I’m pretty sure you’re just using me too. I’m not expecting this _thing_ we have to go anywhere. Despite my profession, I think love’s a bunch of crock anyway.”

The words were relieving in a way Leo hadn’t expected they would be. No expectations, no strings. Just sex and a conversation partner with no pressure to continue the relationship or be overly mindful of the other. _This_ was probably the relationship dynamic he’d wanted to have with N, why he’d probably been so unhappy with the way N latched onto his everything.

-.-.-.-.-

“I haven’t broken up with my boyfriend,” Leo admitted before tossing back his sixth shot of–of what he wasn’t really sure anymore, his mind was starting to go fuzzy.

“You haven’t?” Ken asked, eyebrow raised and considerably less influenced by alcohol. “Well, that would explain why you’re always so tense until you start drinking.” He raised his drink to his lips, expression a bit less than amused. Leo ordered more shots, desperately wanting to drown out the memories N’s text messages earlier that afternoon had brought up.

 _I found the books you gave me for my birthday. I want to reread them, but I don’t think I’ll finish._ Books N pestered him with less than subtle hints to buy for his birthday.

 _Do you remember remember when we went to the big aquarium? We bought matching cellphone straps of the whale shark that we never used._ Leo’d just wanted the strap because it was cute, and N had insisted on buying one too so they’d have a ‘couple item’. _Ooo I found the pictures from our aquarium date. You looked so cute when you were watching the seals!_ N had taken an annoying amount pictures that day–

“You know you aren’t going to be able to relax completely until you break up. Failing relationships are just unneeded stress and drama,” Ken interrupted Leo’s thoughts. He was suddenly brought back to his surroundings, but hazily so.

“I can’t,” Leo murmured, lifting the next shot to his lips as soon as it was placed in front of him. He’d typed some quick superficial reply to N’s messages in the train then shut his phone off as soon as he met up with Ken. The messages were nothing but reminders of all the little things that had annoyed him _so much_ , but N was obviously having a sentimental moment–was obviously trying to relive the things in their relationship that’d made him happy.

“Why not?” Ken asked, tone less than impressed and eyes trained on Leo’s hands as he lifted yet another shot to his lips.

“I’ve been lying so much,” Leo mumbled, but he wasn’t sure if he was intelligible anymore or not. He was sure with another drink he’d forget; his mind was so muddled he just needed a little more.

-.-.-.-.-

A sharp pain pulsed through Leo’s head. He groaned, shifting to burying his head in his pillow, only to realize his head wasn’t on a pillow. He felt around in confusion for a few seconds before realizing that he was resting on a lap, to which he couldn’t figure out _why_. He opened his eyes, thankful that the room was dark. The shapes of the furniture swam into recognition–his living room.

“You awake?” The sudden voice sent a spear of pain through head and he snapped his eyes shut, vaguely registering that the voice was Ken’s. Leo groaned, shifting again. He held still a few moments before pushing himself up slowly. As soon as his head stopped spinning from the new position, he peeked at Ken.

“Why are we here?” he asked, voice rough and cracking. “Why are _you_ here?” Ken licked his bottom lips tentatively. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he looked like he hadn’t slept much.

“Do you remember anything from last night at all?” Ken asked, ignoring Leo’s question. Leo dropped his eyes down as he tried and failed to come up with anything. He blinked back up at Ken who sighed. “I didn’t want to leave you here alone after what happened. It was a mess.” Leo’s brows knit together in confusion. “You got plastered last night. Drank so much it would have been pointless to take you to a hotel, so I decided to take you home.” Leo let his gaze drop again as he tried harder to remember what happened at the bar, but the effort still turned up nothing.

“Thank you for bringing me home…” Leo murmured, sitting back, still trying to jog his memory. He’d never drunk so much he completely blacked out before and the gaping hole in his memory bugged him. He made to move away from Ken completely, but Ken stopped him with a firm grip on his arm.

“Your boyfriend and his sister were here when I brought you in.” Ken’s voice was twinged with an emotion and meaning that he couldn’t quite process at the moment–but when it clicked in his head that _N_ had been _in the apartment_ , Leo froze–felt like his heart stopped. “He figured out I wasn’t just a friend pretty quickly, threw a bit of a fit and then left…” Leo felt like he’d forgotten how to breath. “I–Leo–He’s–He’s sick, isn’t he? That’s why you felt like you couldn’t break up with him, isn’t it? He looked like he was _dying_.”

Leo tuned Ken out, still trying to process that N had caught them. His eyes flitted around his living room searching for any signs that it was true, only to land on a small box of things on his kitchen table in the next room. He swallowed and rose slowly. His head pulsed painfully as he changed positions but he ignored it the best he could. Ken called after him, but he ignored that too.

The box was mostly filled with clothes Leo’d left at N’s place, but stacked neatly on top were CDs, books and a few cute cellphone straps. Leo began to riffle through the contents as Ken came up behind him, shrugging him off when he tried to get Leo’s attention. The damned whale shark strap, one of the books he’d been wanting to read, CDs from artists he liked, the pictures of Leo and N that had been on N’s fridge. Leo dropped the pictures and began patting his pockets in search of his phone.

“Leo?” Ken tried to get his attention again, but he ignored him, fishing his phone out from his front pants pocket. He turned it back on, and no sooner had it booted up than he was bombarded by texts.

_8:24 P.M. “I just finished going through my stuff and I have a box of things for you!”_

_8:25 P.M. “Me and my sister are coming by to drop it off.”_

_8:26 P.M. “But really, it’s just an excuse to come see you. I just really want to see you right now. It’s been a few days”_

_9:02 P.M. “Did you go to the store or something? I let myself in. Hope you don’t mind.”_

_2:42 A.M. “That explained a few things”_

_2:45 A.M. “I guess we’re over now”_

_2:49 A.M. “You never loved me, right? I feel like such a fool”_

_2:53 A.M. “I threw the key at your date. It’s probably somewhere on the floor if he didn’t take it.”_

_2:57 A.M. “At least I know you’ll be able to get on with your life.”_

_2:57 A.M. “Thanks for humoring me as long as you did”_

Leo reread them three times to let the words process. Ken started shaking him by the shoulder, but Leo continued to ignore him. He’d fucked up. Turned his phone off too soon and gotten too carried away drinking, but the the result had been what he’d wanted all along. He finally looked up from his phone and met Ken’s concerned gaze.

“He broke up with me,” Leo breathed, feeling like everything was a surreal. “I’d been waiting for him to die but…” Ken’s frown deepened at the words. “I guess I’m free now.” Leo swallowed, dropping his gaze back down at his phone to read the messages one more time. Free indeed, but it hadn’t been the way he wanted it to happen.


End file.
